The Superficial

Smatch Point

2006-05-11T23:00:00.000-05:00

Last one, I swear. Match Point is supposed to be Woody Allen's comeback. I call bullshit on that. There's nothing positive about this movie other than that Scarlett Johanssen and Jonathan Rhys Meyers are good-looking. They also happen to be terrible actors. "Maybe if I yell people will think I'm 'in' the part." And I get that Woody Allen has had some unsuccessful relationships. I GET it. Oooh, the bad guy gets away with it? That has NEVER been done before! Maybe in Woody's high-falutin', Aston Martin-driving, leather-chairs-that-are-as-soft-as-a-baby's-ass, champagne-sipping world this kind of shit happens all the time and people think it means they're deep, but just 'cause bro holds a copy of Crime and Punishment at one point doesn't mean he has anything to offer us other than his crooked smile and REALLY nice suits that I would like to own and would hopefully not wear during a poorly-planned murder of my hot-but-annoying-and-pregnant mistress. I would probably just wear that suit to work or to get a drink with my brahs.

Smapril

2006-04-17T23:32:00.000-05:00

Something happened where blogging became uncool. When this happened, I decided it is cool again. Now there will be blogging again.

It's tax day. This is the day when all the money we need to build bridges and roads and to fund after-school programs and tree-planting initiatives, and the money we need to pay for the education of our future youth and to pay for the respectful and dignified care for our former future youth, and the money we need to pay for tanks and guns and international aid is collected in little sacks by men with pikes on horses. I gave $3500 to the cause this year.

I finally found one group of people who I will now not only stop berating for not voting, but actively encourage to remain outside the political system. They are the members of the armed forces. It occurs to me(unoriginally) that the responsibility to act as a tool of civilian political authority is something that should not be mixed with party politics in any way. Kudos to our Swiss Army!

Smarch

2006-03-02T21:34:00.000-06:00

Career-ending photographs. Stationary bicycles and sweatpants. Smarch is not like last Smarch.

I've been thinking of organizing a "Take Public Transportation to Work Day." I think that is a bad sign.

When Enron went away, I cried.

Even Dwarves Started Like Shit

2006-02-21T23:24:00.000-06:00

One time I saw this movie that was really bad. It was last night, in fact. The movie(film!) was Werner Herzog's Even Dwarves Started Small. I can't believe I didn't like with such fervor something Herzog made. When you start to ask yourself seriously whether a movie would have been made were the entire cast not comprised of little people you know you're in some serious shit. While there are some images that will be difficult to shake(examples: little person acting the matador to a driverless '40's ambulance, "blind" insane little people sitting on a dead sow), this is not a good thing in this case. While Aguirre the Wrath of God is something descended from heaven, this film is something forced up from hell, or at best, the State Fair.

Another thing I was disappointed with: Someone led me to believe this film(movie!) had something to do with Crispin Glover. Unless Crispin Glover is some sort of alchemist gnome(jury is still out!), the fact that Herzog and his trained mad dwarves were performing their peyote freak-out in front of full studio rigging in 1971 leads me to believe that, well, I was misled. Intensely.

Group Consciousness Titling. Advertising. On the go.

2006-02-09T18:19:00.000-06:00

Thank you to Planetarium for pointing out The Superficial. It is a bit creepy that an idiotic and intentional meaningless grammatical misusage like "The Superficial" would be used by more than one author independently. The superficial what? What is happening? This is almost as bad as the excessive use in advertising of Meaningful. Periods. We as Americans have descended into the deepest chasm of tastelessness when a perfectly reasonable and convincing sentence like "Hot food on the go" which would really make a person seriously consider trudging down to the Glockenspiel or Pineda Tacos has to be bastardized into "Hot. Food. On the Go." All this makes us want to do is send a telegram. Plus, it's a command form. What about "Wouldn't you like to eat some hot food at the Muddy Pig right about now? Please come on by if you get hungry and we'll serve you whatever you'd like off of our menu. Have a fun day if you'd like."? The public would even settle for "Hot food, on the go." Because at least we get a comma out of the deal.

Update?

2006-02-03T00:29:00.000-06:00

Other people update my blog more than I do. Duely noted.

I got some glasses and some X-rays. Both negative, baby, just like I like it.

In other news, I just wrote "Justice Scalia" when I meant "Justice Alito." Go figure!

Also, now that 150,000 people suggested that Patty Wetterling run in the 6th District again, she finally heard and heeded. Nice work, asshole.

Life is a fascinating romp.

Photo of the Week

2006-01-21T21:06:00.000-06:00

A gentle reminder

Sun!

Life is So Sad

2006-01-21T20:02:00.000-06:00

Photo Link Redux: Flickr Edition.

The Producers is not a very good movie.

Nick: I am going to drive to your apartment and feed your cat right now.

I Post a Link

2005-12-08T16:17:00.000-06:00

The habit of posting links as the only content is one that is passe.

2005-11-30T00:54:00.001-06:00

The Low Point: Feeding on Spam and instant hash-browns off the forest floor in the cold rain.

The Photo Essay: Homage to the Big Woods

2005-11-30T00:54:00.000-06:00

So a blog gets interrupted when more important things are happening. Gee, sorry.

The following offering dates to May 2005:

The High Point: Homage to a tiny fish.

2005-11-30T00:53:00.000-06:00

In Between Point: Your basic campsite. Dirty, dirty men.

2005-11-30T00:51:00.000-06:00

Uphill.

2005-11-30T00:50:00.000-06:00

Living in the woods made a man out of me.

Photo of the Week

2005-11-26T17:19:00.000-06:00

Guest of the Week 2!

2005-11-26T12:54:00.000-06:00

The second installment of the wildly popular Guest Blogger series. This week's entry comes from Sports Medicine PhD. candidate, Sarah Robinson, of Madison Wisconsin.

Topic: Stalinist Russia.

Go!:

"The New York Times ran an article a few weeks ago about the high-fashion handbag. They interviewed dozens of women who were willing to drop $3,000 on the latest hot purse. Most were in their late 20s or early 30s, and making around 40k a year. Asked why she would spend twenty-four hundred dollars on a Chloe handbag, one woman responded that she 'didn't want to look like a grad student.' Bitch.

As a poor grad student, I'm torn on this whole high-fashion thing. On one hand, I think that people who spend 800$ on a pair of shoes ought to be lined up against a wall and shot, or at the very least deported to a worker re-education camp in Siberia. On the other hand, I really want a pair of Gucci boots.

Here are the fashion trends I currently hate:

Louis Vuitton handbags. If you have niether taste nor class, but want everyone to know that you spent a lot of money, just get an ass-ugly handbag with a designer logo all over it. These are the tackiest thing in the world, surpassed only by......

Dooney and Bourke handbags. The tacky ripoff of the tacky Louis Vuitton handbag, yet somehow seen as a status symbol in my home state of Wiscosin. Wear it to the mall and impress your friends.

Ugg boots on fatties. I don't hate the Ugg boots. I don't like them, but they can work on some people. But kids, you really have to have some skinny thighs to pull this off. Remember, the boot should be the thickest part of your leg."

Guest Blogger Review:
Not really on topic, though inclusion of worker re-education camps in Siberia and the utilitarian bias lends the piece a "5-year Plan" vibe. References to fashion trends most of us have never heard of earn Ms. Robinson points, though use of the term "fatties" must be weighed against the triumph of taking New Yorkers down a notch. "Bitch," indeed; well played!

School is for Fools

2005-11-10T09:53:00.000-06:00

Latin American History? Have I really been in this class for two months?

Guest of the Week!

2005-10-05T21:49:00.000-05:00

Introducing our youngest, most agile idea yet! The Guest Blogger!

First guest: An unnamed Minneapolis resident!

Topic of the Week: British Sport.

Go!:

"Formula One is for pussies. I don't care how fast they go, they don't pass each other and it's boring as hell.

David Beckham is Spanish now, and a damn fine ball player, but should never be forgiven for
the fauxhawk or for lengthening the public spotlight on Posh Spice.

Any game that requires white outfits is a good game. Cricket and Wimbledon are to be lauded.

And hey, Great Britain, thanks for bowling."

Guest Blogger review:

Finely tuned and acerbic. Why no mention of the most fascinating British sport of all; hovercrafting? Bonus points for use of the word "pussies," extra bonus points for using the word "pussies" in reference to the British. All in all, not enough negative things to say about Britons. Excellent job considering the pressure of firsthood.

2005-10-02T13:32:00.000-05:00

Photo of the Week: The Return!

Motor Mayhem

2005-08-29T21:35:00.000-05:00

I can't stop buying neat vehicles. I can't!

In my defense, this cost less than the car I'm selling.

Major League II

2005-08-15T16:28:00.000-05:00

For all you baseball fans out there(I'm talking to you McCown!), a rundown of the latest standings as we head into the final month of America's Pastime.

AL East: Currently
1. Boston Red Sox: Team built for sex, playoffs.
2. NY Yankees: I promise this team will make the playoffs. I also promise that they are the devil.
3. Toronto Blue Jays: Epitome of .500. O Canada! Next trip to the postseason: 2006.
4. Baltimore Orioles: It didn't take a steroids test to make me hate Rafael Palmeiro.
5. Tampa Bay Devil Rays: I would attack Tropicana Field with a child army if I lived in Florida.
Predicted order of finish: Boston, NY, Baltimore, Tampa, Toronto. I said Sammy Sosa would hit 45 homeruns. Fuck the AL East anyway.

AL Central: Currently
1. Chicago White Sox: Big deal: Knocked out in the first round.
2. Cleveland Indians: Stretch run is soooo weak, they might just knock out the Yanks.
3. Minnesota Twins: Why is Joe Mays still on this team? I hate Nick Punto.
4. Detroit Tigers: Wow, still not a good team! I liked my call on Mags going down, though.
5. Kansas Shitty Royals: David DeJesus is ok. Um...Lima time?
Predicted order of finish: Minnesota(Argh.), Cleveland, Detroit, KC, Chicago. In all fairness I picked Chicago last to piss off a friend. Still.

AL West: Currently
1. Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim: A spooky team, filled with madmen.
2. Oakland Atheletics: Apparently plenty of Zito! Young pitching + Playoffs = Bad.
3. Texas Rangers: Won't win until they push back the fences or something.
4. Seattle Mariners: Bret Boone wept like a little girl when he got cut. Rebuilding time.
Predicted order of finish: Texas, LA, Seattle, Oakland. I was way off on this division, except for the rally-monkey ebola fever outbreak in LA.

Playoffs: If we started today, it would be Chicago, LA, Boston, and Oakland. Boston would clearly destroy everyone. But: I don't think LA will make it. Oakland takes the division and Cleveland and the Yanks battle it out for the wild card. Cleveland gets to play the Royals and Tigers like 40 times.
Predicted Playoffs: Twins over Yanks? Uh...this is why I'm not paid to predict sports outcomes.

This has been a depressing retrospective.

Full Disclosure

2005-08-13T23:40:00.000-05:00

In all fairness to the journalistic ethic, I have to divulge yet another embarrassing fact to my rapt public. It is a fact that should rival my recent revelations about the lameness that is my own specific skin...

I just read "Bio of a Space Tyrant: Refugee," by Piers Anthony. I read it in about 4 hours. Straight. On a Saturday. It's a book for 12 year-old boys and has a muscly mullet-hero on the front cover.

Oh My Christ.

2005-08-04T00:12:00.000-05:00

Updating this shit is about the last thing on my mind. My job is awesome slash sucks: I never understood when people talked about waking up in the middle of the night thinking about work. I'm thinking about giving up coffee.

I did find the time to read an excellent book that wiped the Ayn Rand residue right out of my brain, thankfully. "Ball Four," by Jim Bouton. I kept imagining him as being a gaunt, skinny guy with a mustache, but it turns out he looks like a marine or a Pontiac middle-manager.

And showed my dear mother a terrible time by continuing to work long hours straight through her nine-day visit. I am such an asshole: Happy Birthday to my favorite sister, Jennifer. I called her on August first, but the line beeped at me and I never called back. Soon I will be rich and begin construction on my Fun-Family Chateau, where there will be pandas and one of those sauna machines that just your head sticks out of and the entirety of my relations will be welcome there forever.

Also: the space shuttle Discovery plans to explode on reentry in the next week or so. Bold prediction: The space shuttle will not actually explode. This reminds me that I must comment on the fact that NASA has scrapped its visionary plans for the next generation of spaceship because they dreamed too big. Now it's back to regular old boring rockets with pods on the top. I realize there are probably excellent reasons for this, but I can't help but be disappointed with the can't-do spirit this represents. Space is the final frontier! That and the bottom of the ocean, I hear.

Perhaps soon I will take stock of the upcoming pennant stretch-run in baseball with my updated predictions! Ooh!

And, finally: Closed circuit to Mark Karcz: I have begun implementing a plan which will allow me to purchase the Datsun 280 you so crave and were so kind as to not purchase. Maybe that will convince you that you MUST move back to St. Paul.

How Awesome Our Mixing Is

2005-07-15T20:56:00.000-05:00

Very awesome. Digital jamming, spooky non-traditional farm animals. No rules recording.

Somebody needs to put out our record.

July 4th Part 2: (Conclusion)

2005-07-07T14:00:00.000-05:00

God Bless America?