Monday, August 15, 2005

Major League II

For all you baseball fans out there(I'm talking to you McCown!), a rundown of the latest standings as we head into the final month of America's Pastime.

AL East: Currently
1. Boston Red Sox: Team built for sex, playoffs.
2. NY Yankees: I promise this team will make the playoffs. I also promise that they are the devil.
3. Toronto Blue Jays: Epitome of .500. O Canada! Next trip to the postseason: 2006.
4. Baltimore Orioles: It didn't take a steroids test to make me hate Rafael Palmeiro.
5. Tampa Bay Devil Rays: I would attack Tropicana Field with a child army if I lived in Florida.
Predicted order of finish: Boston, NY, Baltimore, Tampa, Toronto. I said Sammy Sosa would hit 45 homeruns. Fuck the AL East anyway.

AL Central: Currently
1. Chicago White Sox: Big deal: Knocked out in the first round.
2. Cleveland Indians: Stretch run is soooo weak, they might just knock out the Yanks.
3. Minnesota Twins: Why is Joe Mays still on this team? I hate Nick Punto.
4. Detroit Tigers: Wow, still not a good team! I liked my call on Mags going down, though.
5. Kansas Shitty Royals: David DeJesus is ok. Um...Lima time?
Predicted order of finish: Minnesota(Argh.), Cleveland, Detroit, KC, Chicago. In all fairness I picked Chicago last to piss off a friend. Still.

AL West: Currently
1. Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim: A spooky team, filled with madmen.
2. Oakland Atheletics: Apparently plenty of Zito! Young pitching + Playoffs = Bad.
3. Texas Rangers: Won't win until they push back the fences or something.
4. Seattle Mariners: Bret Boone wept like a little girl when he got cut. Rebuilding time.
Predicted order of finish: Texas, LA, Seattle, Oakland. I was way off on this division, except for the rally-monkey ebola fever outbreak in LA.

Playoffs: If we started today, it would be Chicago, LA, Boston, and Oakland. Boston would clearly destroy everyone. But: I don't think LA will make it. Oakland takes the division and Cleveland and the Yanks battle it out for the wild card. Cleveland gets to play the Royals and Tigers like 40 times.
Predicted Playoffs: Twins over Yanks? Uh...this is why I'm not paid to predict sports outcomes.

This has been a depressing retrospective.

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