Monday, August 29, 2005

Motor Mayhem

I can't stop buying neat vehicles. I can't!

In my defense, this cost less than the car I'm selling.

Monday, August 15, 2005

Major League II

For all you baseball fans out there(I'm talking to you McCown!), a rundown of the latest standings as we head into the final month of America's Pastime.

AL East: Currently
1. Boston Red Sox: Team built for sex, playoffs.
2. NY Yankees: I promise this team will make the playoffs. I also promise that they are the devil.
3. Toronto Blue Jays: Epitome of .500. O Canada! Next trip to the postseason: 2006.
4. Baltimore Orioles: It didn't take a steroids test to make me hate Rafael Palmeiro.
5. Tampa Bay Devil Rays: I would attack Tropicana Field with a child army if I lived in Florida.
Predicted order of finish: Boston, NY, Baltimore, Tampa, Toronto. I said Sammy Sosa would hit 45 homeruns. Fuck the AL East anyway.

AL Central: Currently
1. Chicago White Sox: Big deal: Knocked out in the first round.
2. Cleveland Indians: Stretch run is soooo weak, they might just knock out the Yanks.
3. Minnesota Twins: Why is Joe Mays still on this team? I hate Nick Punto.
4. Detroit Tigers: Wow, still not a good team! I liked my call on Mags going down, though.
5. Kansas Shitty Royals: David DeJesus is ok. Um...Lima time?
Predicted order of finish: Minnesota(Argh.), Cleveland, Detroit, KC, Chicago. In all fairness I picked Chicago last to piss off a friend. Still.

AL West: Currently
1. Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim: A spooky team, filled with madmen.
2. Oakland Atheletics: Apparently plenty of Zito! Young pitching + Playoffs = Bad.
3. Texas Rangers: Won't win until they push back the fences or something.
4. Seattle Mariners: Bret Boone wept like a little girl when he got cut. Rebuilding time.
Predicted order of finish: Texas, LA, Seattle, Oakland. I was way off on this division, except for the rally-monkey ebola fever outbreak in LA.

Playoffs: If we started today, it would be Chicago, LA, Boston, and Oakland. Boston would clearly destroy everyone. But: I don't think LA will make it. Oakland takes the division and Cleveland and the Yanks battle it out for the wild card. Cleveland gets to play the Royals and Tigers like 40 times.
Predicted Playoffs: Twins over Yanks? Uh...this is why I'm not paid to predict sports outcomes.

This has been a depressing retrospective.

Saturday, August 13, 2005

Full Disclosure

In all fairness to the journalistic ethic, I have to divulge yet another embarrassing fact to my rapt public. It is a fact that should rival my recent revelations about the lameness that is my own specific skin...

I just read "Bio of a Space Tyrant: Refugee," by Piers Anthony. I read it in about 4 hours. Straight. On a Saturday. It's a book for 12 year-old boys and has a muscly mullet-hero on the front cover.

Thursday, August 04, 2005

Oh My Christ.

Updating this shit is about the last thing on my mind. My job is awesome slash sucks: I never understood when people talked about waking up in the middle of the night thinking about work. I'm thinking about giving up coffee.

I did find the time to read an excellent book that wiped the Ayn Rand residue right out of my brain, thankfully. "Ball Four," by Jim Bouton. I kept imagining him as being a gaunt, skinny guy with a mustache, but it turns out he looks like a marine or a Pontiac middle-manager.

And showed my dear mother a terrible time by continuing to work long hours straight through her nine-day visit. I am such an asshole: Happy Birthday to my favorite sister, Jennifer. I called her on August first, but the line beeped at me and I never called back. Soon I will be rich and begin construction on my Fun-Family Chateau, where there will be pandas and one of those sauna machines that just your head sticks out of and the entirety of my relations will be welcome there forever.

Also: the space shuttle Discovery plans to explode on reentry in the next week or so. Bold prediction: The space shuttle will not actually explode. This reminds me that I must comment on the fact that NASA has scrapped its visionary plans for the next generation of spaceship because they dreamed too big. Now it's back to regular old boring rockets with pods on the top. I realize there are probably excellent reasons for this, but I can't help but be disappointed with the can't-do spirit this represents. Space is the final frontier! That and the bottom of the ocean, I hear.

Perhaps soon I will take stock of the upcoming pennant stretch-run in baseball with my updated predictions! Ooh!

And, finally: Closed circuit to Mark Karcz: I have begun implementing a plan which will allow me to purchase the Datsun 280 you so crave and were so kind as to not purchase. Maybe that will convince you that you MUST move back to St. Paul.