Thursday, March 31, 2005

Photo of the Week, Daily edition.

Vincent Gallo.

Spring Training Special Part 3

National League Predictions:

East:
1. New York Mets: Omar Minaya's offseason moves are awesome. Pedro, Carlos, and Kazuhisa solidify the rotation and the lineup. Reign of Atlanta terror comes to an end. For real.
2. Atlanta Braves: That said, this is a good team. Smoltz as a starter is a bust.
3. Philadelphia Phillies: Still not enough pitching. Thome hits 53.
4. Florida Marlins: This is a very good division...
5. Las Vegas Nationals: Better, but still not good. Bright spots; Loiaza, Guillen, Hernandez.

Central
1. St. Louis Cardinals: Hard to argue with adding Mulder. Renteria's absence hurts more than you'd think.
2. Milwaukee Brewers: Seriously, this is my pick. The Arizona trade pays off this year. Carlos Lee destroys, Doug Davis is awesome, we get to see Cecil Fielder's kid in September.
3. Houston Astros: Too many lost players, too many old players.
4. Chicago Cubs: How's Joe Mauer over Mark Prior look now?
5. Pittsburgh Pirates: Need to make good on plan to study and replicate Twins organization. Won't help this year.
6. Cincinnati Reds: Why are there six teams in this division?

West
1. San Diego: I like their starters and this is a very bad division. Need a closer and an offense.
2. Los Angeles: No Adrian Beltre, no chance. Gagne goes down hard from Roid withdrawal.
3. San Francisco: Average age of 46 years old.
4. Arizona Snakes: Big Unit not so stacked after all. Shawn Green turns awesome, Javy Vazquez strikes out 240, Greg Aquino blows 20 saves. Bad times.
5. Colorado Rockies: Maybe they should think about a pressurized dome. Will never win a World Series, ever. Plus side? Don't need andro.

NLDS:
St. Louis takes Atlanta out like Puff Daddy if you didn't vote.
New York gets to humiliate the Padres. Man that sounds like an awesome series.

NLCS: New York, New York. Minaya shoots Steinbrenner in the face, pees in Yankee Stadium, Pedro wins game 7.

There is zero chance I will be wrong.

Kazuhisa Ishii, no relation, copyright infringed.

Photo of the Week

License to Chill: Filament

Slide film is awesome.

Tuesday, March 29, 2005

Sad Clowns

It's apparently official that the change of ownership at Midway's finest bar, the Turf Club, will have a negative impact on its coolness. Reports indicate stalwart booking agents/barkeeps Dave Weigart and Rob Rule have left the organization and that the Clown Lounge has already been destroyed. While the Turf has gotten mixed reviews over the years, I find it hard to believe anyone could not be at least a little sad at its transformation. I for one feel for Rob and Dave, two of the nicest local semi-celebrities you'll ever meet. As for the Turf itself, my initial reaction is that they've alienated at least a substantial portion of the enormous built-in crowd at a bar in an area that has had only the Turf itself as a major destination. How well that works out for the ownership probably depends on who they put in charge of booking and how well they smooth the transformation. Judging on the swiftness of the decision to kill the Clown Lounge, it doesn't look too good. Conclusion: Damn.

Spring Training Special Part 2

Today's Special: American League Predictions:

East:
1. Boston Red Sox: The one thing they haven't gotten from the Yanks is a division crown.
2. New York Yankees: This division sucks.
3. Baltimore Orioles: Slammin' Sammy hits 45, but nobody's knocking off the big twol
4. Tampa Bay Devil Rays: Offseason acquisitions all killed in plane crash.
5. Toronto Blue Jays: Terrible terrible terrible team. A+ for signing Canadian Wolf Corey Koskie.

Central:
1. Minnesota Twins: Mauer surprises with his health, bat, and good looks. Rotation excels.
2. Cleveland "Indians": Tons of hitting, not enough pitching, more than enough Coco Crisp.
3. Detroit Tigers: Major improvement but Magglio goes down in a heap early.
4. Kansas City Royals: Too many shitty players, not enough good players.
5. Chicago White Sox: Just putting them in the cellar pisses off Carl Wedoff.

West
:
1. Texas Rangers: Pitching finally comes around enough to get them in the playoffs.
2. The Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim, California, USA Inc.: Rally monkey ebola fever.
3. Seattle Mariners: Ichiro scores 140 runs, Adrian Beltre knocks in 150.
4. Oakland Atheletics: Tough year in a tough division. Not enough Zito.

Playoffs:
ALDS
: Rangers lose to Yankees for the billionth time, while the Twins shock the Red Sox. (I am a homer.)
ALCS: Twins score 12 runs in seven games giving Jason Giambi the chance to redeem his skinny self.

Tomorrow: National League Predictions.
The next day: Awards!
P.S. Watch for me to edit my predictions retroactively a la Zamyatin at the end of the year.

Speedster Ichiro. Copyright Google Image Search.

Sunday, March 27, 2005

Spring Training Special Part 1

The Big Chief.


Today marked both the resurrection of our Lord and Savior and his favorite American pastime, baseball. Indeed, Jesus loved the Cincinnati Reds. The Easter special pitch/catch exhibition also marked a first for Sunday Baseball; our first property damage dilemma. A towering shot to left field by Karl "Big Chief" S. spiderwebbed a nice little Toyota's windshield. Oh how easy it would be to leave the scene; no one would ever be able to prove anything in court or to of the Allstate lady. I'd like to melodramatically commemorate the windshield-note-leaving incident of Easter 2005 as the moment of the resurrection of common decency in America. Kudos to Karl S. Welcome back baseball season.

Friday, March 25, 2005

Teefuses

I learned today that dentists and their assistants tend to enjoy both listening to different music and debating their tastes. While one enjoys a subtle New Country song, another tends toward the eclectic, preferring a balladeer like David Gray or a Ryan Adams. I found also that somehow all of the above go very well with the whine of a drill, excruciating pain, and lots of novocaine. Conclusion: Fuck dentists.

Photo of the Week

This woman took all my money.

Tuesday, March 22, 2005

Everything is very chill.

Tuesday, March 15, 2005

Photo of the Week

Omaur.

Sunday, March 13, 2005

I am an Island.

Object metaphors that have outlived their usefulness by many years yet still appear everywhere:

1. Windows
2. Scars
3. Fire

Object metaphors that are underexploited:

1. Swords
2. Dogs
3. Unopened packages.

Sunday, March 06, 2005

Photo of the Week

The U of M is way colder than UCLA.